We are honored and pleased to welcome a new Detroiter,
And also quite thrilled he is without an unsightly goiter.
Instead of a goiter, he has a great beard,
Which is why our fans love him, and by our opponents he is feared.
He came from Toronto, NYC of the great white north,
And for Tigers fans everywhere, many wins he’ll bring forth.
He looks rather dashing in that old English D,
But equally so in his camper, which reads W and V.
A young man with ambition, and humility, too,
The sky is his limit, even though our season may be through.
There are some who are sure he’ll be better than Price,
And that he’ll help lead a team of men, and not mice.
Where he shaves, he does so with an axe, we are told,
And he lives in a way that shows his heart’s solid gold.
Though he lives in his van, down by the river,
His pitching causes opposing batters to go all aquiver.
Don’t you dare attempt to lay down a bunt,
Or you shall be made to look just like a runt.
His pitch speed and ball movement will seem truly unfair,
And he’ll get you out by diving gracefully, suspended in air.
Books like Gravity’s Rainbow or Infinite Jest,
Could be tied to his ankles or adhered to his chest,
And still he could pitch so much better than the rest,
For he is our new Detroiter and we’re sure he’s the best!
– Jacob Smith